so I sit and remember; wish I had, wish I hadn't.
it's the end of the year, doesn't everyone deserve a little honesty.
and again: I ____ you.
***
Anna Nalick's Breathe; beautiful.
2am and she calls me cause I'm still awake
will you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him
yeah we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
like they have any right at all to criticize
hypocrites they're all here for the very same reason
cause you can't jump the track we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
no one can find the rewind button girl
so cradle your head in your hands
and breathe
just breathe
but my god it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it
Labels: confessions
I worry about you
You know?
Be happy.
***
One day when I'm stressed
I'd like to pump helium into balloons
And hand them out to random people
Because we should live life like we want to
Labels: confessions
I am constantly surrounded by the country's most brilliant students.
Who are all going to become doctors.
Sometimes I think no need to wait till med school. This two years will drive us all mad.
***
So anyway, sometimes I think I have no damn right to be a JPA scholar.
Also, woah - this peer pressure thing? Really gets to you.
I'm not sure whether it's a form of motivation, or passive aggresiveness.
But I really do understand this constant need to study.
(I don't think I've ever studied this much in my entire life.)
It's this specter of JPA will take away your scholarship hanging over you.
And the endlessfear of being not good enough.
Who are all going to become doctors.
Sometimes I think no need to wait till med school. This two years will drive us all mad.
***
So anyway, sometimes I think I have no damn right to be a JPA scholar.
Also, woah - this peer pressure thing? Really gets to you.
I'm not sure whether it's a form of motivation, or passive aggresiveness.
But I really do understand this constant need to study.
(I don't think I've ever studied this much in my entire life.)
It's this specter of JPA will take away your scholarship hanging over you.
And the endlessfear of being not good enough.
Labels: confessions, intec
Isn't it strange how we find ourselves in places we never meant to be? Look, here I am, living in Akasia, now an INTEC student; completely unexpected. Be careful what you wish for, it just might come true.
Labels: confessions
don't you look around and think
how the hell did we get here?
Labels: confessions
You KNOW things are bad when you have three assignments due next week but you declare anyway 'this week is actually quite a light week'. What's sadder is that it's true. I want to sleep. And shop, but I'll settle for just one right now.
... I have so many words to say.
Did you know that I went for a week's hospital attachment in HKL - Hospital Kuala Lumpur - and since then I've just avoided thinking about it? I wish I could see into the future. I wish someone could tell me what to do.
Did you know we went out for steamboat to celebrate the return of the NS people for a weekend? YC and CS look exactly the same. Lung Wang told me off for being late but forgave Jason. Syl's still random. I forced Chun Siang to give me a detailed NS schedule. We laughed and laughed.
Did you know I have successfully navigated MyPlace to find Charlene's apartment? We lay on her living room sofas, reminiscing about secondary school. Her roommate took my ID so we sneaked past the guard by splitting hers - she took the ID, I took the bright red strap. Ah, Taylor's.
Did you know I'm scared?
Labels: confessions, everyday, s.a.m.
I suspect that if I sat down now and thought about today
really thought about today
there would definitely be a problem.
***
12 hours later:
Look! Tyger's happy.Labels: confessions, education, events
The world is still spiralling and I'm just
going to
close
Today it's the life-changing decisions.
my
Today it's the loneliness.
eyes.
going to
close
Today it's the life-changing decisions.
my
Today it's the loneliness.
eyes.
Labels: confessions, everyday
It's one of those days where the world feels like its spiralling out of control around me. Set on its wayward course by the smallest of things: A silence. Math tutorials. The colour green.
Go ahead. Make my day.
Labels: confessions, everyday
I love passionate people.
Don't go and take that the wrong way.
Labels: confessions
what to do? I'm young and idealistic.
on a completely unrelated note, people-looking-for-colleges, come to taylor's! if only because they give you lunch breaks. =)
p/s who wants to join me for starbucks?
Labels: confessions, everyday
I am reading a book. The words follow me around today, like a whimsical cloud above my head, a constant companion. The irony. Today, what I want is my own personal sun, to shine on me, for warmth; what I need is mist, to hide from prying eyes. Rainbows would only remind me of rain. And stars? Stars always seem to let me down.
Labels: confessions, everyday
it doesn't hurt anymore.
not a while ago it would have.
and for that, at least, I am grateful.
what the hell
throwing caution to the wind
I'm tired of self-editing
Wondering and guilt and insanity.
Imagination silent as thought; half fears, half tears.
Wishes on stars that can't be seen at night.
Fire burns out fire.
throwing caution to the wind
I'm tired of self-editing
confusion
Is it strange to miss someone before they're gone?
I crave even though I know - I know - it's all wrong.
Like clinging to ice and white chocolate.
Wondering and guilt and insanity.
Imagination silent as thought; half fears, half tears.
Wishes on stars that can't be seen at night.
Fire burns out fire.
Labels: confessions, espial, heart
Malacca
my birthplace!
also now, 5sc1 class graduation trip.
Day 1 : Wed, 10.12.2008
The journey there flew by - I am sure we were hyper. Stopped at a food court in Seremban. There were kittens! My cat is fat. Believe it or not, Telon was a kitten once.
Checked in at Hallmark Hotel. Took over the lobby! Switched off the lift lights! We are so mature.
Roomed with Gowrie, Jia Wei and Maxine. There was a cemetery outside the window. What a view. Wonder if we should have fought for a discount. I mean, you pay more for good view right?
Headed out to Jonker Street!
Cheng Hoon Teng was beautiful. It really, really was. This coming from someone who generally does not notice these kind of things. Cheng Hoon Teng was solemn, grand, intricate.
Proof.I am not a religious person. I won't point fingers; this is a result of my upbringing and myself. Belief, and faith, and tradition are foreign. For me, religion - belief - is a personal choice for other people I don't pretend to understand. So when I watched a fortune-telling ritual at the temple (I was excited because I remember learning about it in chinese tuition) my first reaction was I want to play! Syn Dee & Lung Wang, immediately, 'This is not a game! You cannot play!' Oh. Fortune-telling. Okay. No offense intended to anyone. I just found it an amusing incident.
One of the many on Jonker's Street. This is the Hokkien Society. I've always known about their existence but I've also always imagined them as dull grey buildings. Glad to see I'm wrong. Apparently old men come for the night life. Karaoke. Very happening. =)I guess it had to happen. It did. I called Jason. He said, very happily, 'Wait - let me guess. You're lost!'
I have no idea what Yee Wei and I were doing. I know Jun Wen was waiting. The rest of the group moved on. We followed the wrong people, turned the wrong direction, and got ourselves really hungry for lunch by walking damn far away.
I have no idea what Yee Wei and I were doing. I know Jun Wen was waiting. The rest of the group moved on. We followed the wrong people, turned the wrong direction, and got ourselves really hungry for lunch by walking damn far away.
lunch! chicken rice balls! interesting concept =)Thank the stars for Jun Wen. Yee Wei plus Ju Vern equals lost. I have no idea how he found the restaurant. As soon as anyone starts saying 'first junction turn right until you see a small lane' my brain shuts down.
After lunch we wandered a few more shops along Jonker's (they all sell the same things loh) then we went to find cendol. The cendol had sago! Yay. I like. Jun Wen doesn't. He ate Ais Kacang. Met up with the guys at the hotel later. Their achievements: Cendol. And Sunglasses.
Wandered off to Dataran Pahlawan. Looked at clothes. They were still expensive. Dinner at Newton's Food Court. If you feel like we haven't stopped eating, I think so too. All us girls randomly met up! And had dinner together! Guys disappeared. They bought apples. Three went to watch Twilight.
After lunch we wandered a few more shops along Jonker's (they all sell the same things loh) then we went to find cendol. The cendol had sago! Yay. I like. Jun Wen doesn't. He ate Ais Kacang. Met up with the guys at the hotel later. Their achievements: Cendol. And Sunglasses.
Wandered off to Dataran Pahlawan. Looked at clothes. They were still expensive. Dinner at Newton's Food Court. If you feel like we haven't stopped eating, I think so too. All us girls randomly met up! And had dinner together! Guys disappeared. They bought apples. Three went to watch Twilight.
eesh. I am blocking menyi. sorry!After that we went to a mamak. You see. We don't stop eating. Interesting topics of conversation. Among them were proposals, and lip-reading. =P
At the hotel (this is around 2 am) Gowrie and I debated on how to enter our room (Jia Wei and Maxine were fast asleep) without getting scolded. In the end we went in and woke both of them up anyway. After listening to a lecture in our kidnapped lecture hall (Lester's room) we were supposed to go back to bed but were distracted by Hoe Yan's room. I ate an apple. We um stayedupallnight. Yay. (*points to Jun Wen, Gowrie, Hoe Yan, Yee Wei, JB Cindy and Syn Dee*)
Day 2 : Thu, 11.12.2008
Discovered loss of Jia Wei and Maxine after Syn Dee called. And here we thought they would be concerned by our absence. Our beds were untouched and they didn't find that at all worrying! Anyway they had gotten up early for a morning walk and were refreshed and happy after a full night of sleep. (ie. we were not reprimanded for waking them up! *throws confetti*)
Wandered Malacca being tourists from Singapore. We seriously didn't look local, what with the cameras and the uniform and the sunglasses! Visited Stadhuys, Christ Church, St. Paul's Church, The Ship, Maritime Museum, and Klebang Beach. (I didn't know the beach had a name. We missed the sunset.)
At the hotel (this is around 2 am) Gowrie and I debated on how to enter our room (Jia Wei and Maxine were fast asleep) without getting scolded. In the end we went in and woke both of them up anyway. After listening to a lecture in our kidnapped lecture hall (Lester's room) we were supposed to go back to bed but were distracted by Hoe Yan's room. I ate an apple. We um stayedupallnight. Yay. (*points to Jun Wen, Gowrie, Hoe Yan, Yee Wei, JB Cindy and Syn Dee*)
Day 2 : Thu, 11.12.2008
Discovered loss of Jia Wei and Maxine after Syn Dee called. And here we thought they would be concerned by our absence. Our beds were untouched and they didn't find that at all worrying! Anyway they had gotten up early for a morning walk and were refreshed and happy after a full night of sleep. (ie. we were not reprimanded for waking them up! *throws confetti*)
Wandered Malacca being tourists from Singapore. We seriously didn't look local, what with the cameras and the uniform and the sunglasses! Visited Stadhuys, Christ Church, St. Paul's Church, The Ship, Maritime Museum, and Klebang Beach. (I didn't know the beach had a name. We missed the sunset.)
I like the symmetry of the photo.Shut up. I really do.
With Jia Wei in blue sunglasses.Red building in background was Christ Church. Unfortunately we were mesmerized by the fountain instead.
At St. Paul's Church with Gowrie.Liked that the tombstone had a heart.
Umbrellas, cannons, and a big stone building.
Salute. And... fire!
The Malacca Tree and a descendant of Parameswara.
Only Singaporeans sit down in a corner of the museum.(those are our shoes in the plastic bags!)
Photo stolen because I like.
Ship's mast. Because my photography skills rock. I mean, the body of the ship doesn't really matter, right?Lunch was at BabaNyonya restaurant. Jun Wen traded his eating cendol for my eating vegetables. Can you believe we are comparing cendol to vegetables here?
Yee Wei and Gowrie framed by wispy leaves.Beach! Wai Zack zoomed into the sea, influenced Sylvester to jump in after him, and pushed Yoong Chieh in too.
Yoong Chieh and gang buried Wai Zack and transformed him into a girl. No pictures. Use your imagination.
We tortured Lung Wang at his request. We tried being paparazzi and the HSM cast. We plotted. We called Jillian. We missed the sunset. I love the water.
Dinner was porridge steamboat. At the hotel, Menyi was sick. The guys were drinking. We played cards. I was taught chinese chess. For the first time, Gowrie and I slept in our beds!
Day 3 : Fri, 12.12.2008
Yoong Chieh and gang buried Wai Zack and transformed him into a girl. No pictures. Use your imagination.
We tortured Lung Wang at his request. We tried being paparazzi and the HSM cast. We plotted. We called Jillian. We missed the sunset. I love the water.
Dinner was porridge steamboat. At the hotel, Menyi was sick. The guys were drinking. We played cards. I was taught chinese chess. For the first time, Gowrie and I slept in our beds!
Day 3 : Fri, 12.12.2008
Checked out of Hallmark Hotel. Woke up bleary due to prolonged lack of sleep. Also, it was cloudy. Had a cup of tea (I liked their tea) and bullied Jun Wen into going to search for pineapple tarts with me. Almost dropped my wallet into a drain and did drop my phone onto the road. Haih. BUT we found our pineapple tarts! (They were too sweet.)
Bused over to A Famosa! Water World! It was sunny! I became a shade darker! (Truthfully after staring in shock for a while I decided that I don't mind being a shade darker.)
High-speed slide in extreme foreground.
The high speed seven-storey slide was insane.
The two second drop. You round the bend and the height of the drop takes your breath away - you doubt your life and your sanity. Then you're on the way down and the water is blinding and you have no. more. time. You're at the end, exhilarated, scared, safe. Ready to do it all over again regardless of the climb, the fear. But the two seconds? are never the same again.
And we'll leave that as my description of Water World.
(Ignoring the Lazy River, Wave Pool, Tube Slides and what-not.)
Ah. Dinner in Tampin. Dinner was good chinese restaurant food.
(To those who know what happened that night:
How could we have been so stupid. Till today fear grips me when I walk alone. Stupid doesn't even begin to cover it. I regret every second I walked away.
Thank you, Jason. I credit you for keeping me and my friends safe; I take all the blame. I'm sorry we did that to you. Thank you.)
Bused over to A Famosa! Water World! It was sunny! I became a shade darker! (Truthfully after staring in shock for a while I decided that I don't mind being a shade darker.)
High-speed slide in extreme foreground.The two second drop. You round the bend and the height of the drop takes your breath away - you doubt your life and your sanity. Then you're on the way down and the water is blinding and you have no. more. time. You're at the end, exhilarated, scared, safe. Ready to do it all over again regardless of the climb, the fear. But the two seconds? are never the same again.
And we'll leave that as my description of Water World.
(Ignoring the Lazy River, Wave Pool, Tube Slides and what-not.)
Ah. Dinner in Tampin. Dinner was good chinese restaurant food.
(To those who know what happened that night:
How could we have been so stupid. Till today fear grips me when I walk alone. Stupid doesn't even begin to cover it. I regret every second I walked away.
Thank you, Jason. I credit you for keeping me and my friends safe; I take all the blame. I'm sorry we did that to you. Thank you.)
Moving on.
We found the bungalow after a few false starts. It was beautiful. We didn't murder anything in the bungalow, which I thought was a fantastic achievement. Jun Wen and I stood there in the dark and debated the possibility of a giant squid in the swimming pool. (There were unexplained bubbles.) Wai Zack jumped in and jumped back out. There was no giant squid. The guys played football within the first five minutes of arriving. In the first two seconds, they were forced to cross the road and look for said football.
Bungalow
No giant squid.
We had a prom. It was a glorified dancing class with blur dancers and blur-er DJs. My thanks goes out to Wai Zack and Yee Wei for making sure everyone did dance. My amusement to Yinthong who has great moves. And to the backup hand-clappers, I have nothing to say.
Ooh! Yinthong also makes a great ghost! (Seriously. I was standing in a roomful of people, knew exactly what was happening, and was still chilled. Haih.) Lung Wang makes a less great ghost. (He used a torchlight. Yinthong had her hair. And a white dress. And lighting effects.)
Yee Wei's session, at long last.
What else can I say that I haven't already? I will admit I didn't expect to cry.
Talking was... difficult. It was also a relief. Believe me when I say I meant every word.
My apologies to anyone I missed.
My heartfelt gratitude to anyone who said anything to me or about me.
I know what it's like to wish I wasn't defined by one single word. And that night I was - shocked. amazed. pensive. thoughtful. thankful.
Yoong Chieh and Jason were the first and last people I spoke to. Unconsciously symbolic, I think.
candles
I spent most of the night staring into the candlelight. It was fitting, then, that I chose a matchbox as a momento.
I love fire. I can stare at candlelight for ages. Don't have to think. The blue at the base of the flame. The flickering orange. The translucent quality of the flame. Its impermanence. It's escapism, I swear.
We found the bungalow after a few false starts. It was beautiful. We didn't murder anything in the bungalow, which I thought was a fantastic achievement. Jun Wen and I stood there in the dark and debated the possibility of a giant squid in the swimming pool. (There were unexplained bubbles.) Wai Zack jumped in and jumped back out. There was no giant squid. The guys played football within the first five minutes of arriving. In the first two seconds, they were forced to cross the road and look for said football.
Bungalow
No giant squid.We had a prom. It was a glorified dancing class with blur dancers and blur-er DJs. My thanks goes out to Wai Zack and Yee Wei for making sure everyone did dance. My amusement to Yinthong who has great moves. And to the backup hand-clappers, I have nothing to say.
Ooh! Yinthong also makes a great ghost! (Seriously. I was standing in a roomful of people, knew exactly what was happening, and was still chilled. Haih.) Lung Wang makes a less great ghost. (He used a torchlight. Yinthong had her hair. And a white dress. And lighting effects.)
Yee Wei's session, at long last.
What else can I say that I haven't already? I will admit I didn't expect to cry.
Talking was... difficult. It was also a relief. Believe me when I say I meant every word.
My apologies to anyone I missed.
My heartfelt gratitude to anyone who said anything to me or about me.
I know what it's like to wish I wasn't defined by one single word. And that night I was - shocked. amazed. pensive. thoughtful. thankful.
Yoong Chieh and Jason were the first and last people I spoke to. Unconsciously symbolic, I think.
candlesI spent most of the night staring into the candlelight. It was fitting, then, that I chose a matchbox as a momento.
I love fire. I can stare at candlelight for ages. Don't have to think. The blue at the base of the flame. The flickering orange. The translucent quality of the flame. Its impermanence. It's escapism, I swear.
We slept in sleeping bags that night, scattered around the floor of the living room.
Lying there? I couldn't stop thinking.
Day 4 : Sat, 13.12.2008
I woke up spontaneously at 7.30 in the morning in a sleeping bag, mostly because I don't think I slept. Wandered around the house, looking for someone to talk to but no one even opened an eye. Found Jia Wei awake a while later so off we went on a morning walk. By then most people had been forced to consciousness by an alarm clock so Gowrie joined us. Chee Soon wandered alternatively ahead and behind us.
Lying there? I couldn't stop thinking.
Day 4 : Sat, 13.12.2008
I woke up spontaneously at 7.30 in the morning in a sleeping bag, mostly because I don't think I slept. Wandered around the house, looking for someone to talk to but no one even opened an eye. Found Jia Wei awake a while later so off we went on a morning walk. By then most people had been forced to consciousness by an alarm clock so Gowrie joined us. Chee Soon wandered alternatively ahead and behind us.
Jun Wen, who apparently abandoned his sleeping bag.Adrian Tan Jun-Wen what would I do without you?
I like the non-symmetry of this photo. What can I say. I'm easy to please.I waved at an old man reading the newspaper outside his house! He looked at me like I was mad. Then I walked past him again and he waved back! *happy haha* (Easy to please, remember?)
In the bungalow we sat around blearily with random breakfast items. Panicked over Syn Dee's card. Packed. Threw Poring and Ivan around. (Max are you reading this?) Played cards. Argued over the only bathroom because some genius locked the guys' bathroom up. Wandered around taking photos. Watched early morning cartoons. (Lung Wang!) And... checked out.
Uncle Phang and Syn Dee. We survived thanks to them.Had lunch at Seremban Siew Pao Empire. Watched prawns jumping for their lives. Bought siew pao which I never got to eat. Emo-ed in the bus. Sang a random Kenangan Terindah. Wrote messages in a bottle. Cried. Arrived. Hugged. Cried some more.
And there we were. Separated. Each to their own destinations and futures.
But hey. We'll always share a past. =)
And there we were. Separated. Each to their own destinations and futures.
But hey. We'll always share a past. =)
-the end-
thank you for reading
thank you, too, to everyone who made the class trip what it was
thank you for reading
thank you, too, to everyone who made the class trip what it was
Labels: confessions, events, everyday, heart, Malaysia