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Thursday, July 31, 2008 @2:54 PM

Haha I am happy right now. For no real reason other than that I can play If You're Not the One by Daniel Bedingfield! I remember listening to it on the radio in primary school and it was my favouritest song ever. =)

Today I am going to make a list of things people owe me. Because a lot of people owe me a lot of things. Yay one day I shall claim everything from them.

Kenn Wei owes me a Porsche!
because I asked what car I should get and he said a Porsche. Then he said he would get me one! (when he's a billionaire) He also traded me the same Porsche for his watch back.

Jason owes me cotton candy. And a diamond ring. And he owes me money!
haha there are funny stories behind this list of things. We'll start from the last - he bet me that the guys would back out from the audition for the singing competition because he said they weren't that brave. They not only auditioned, they made it to the finals and won Best Performers. Yay! A diamond ring was because I think he criticized Sheau Wei's gift for me, which was a ring. So we dared him to get a better one - and now he owes me a diamond ring! hahaha. Cotton candy defies explanation. =D

Sean owes me Krispy Kreme...
because because he went to Sydney! and brought back a brochure from Krispy Kreme as a souvenier! A brochure. But he's Rich Boy so he needs to get me Krispy Kreme.

Syn Dee owes me a tour bus
the kind artists have you know, the huge ones with everything on them... I'm not quite sure why she wants to give me a tour bus but I think we were discussing 'what would you get for me if you were a billionaire one day'. Oh she was going to give me J.Co doughnuts in return for an add math lesson until I realised that I didn't understand it either. So anyone with knowledge on basic identity in trigonometry should go claim doughnuts from her.

Bernard so needs to give me marshmallows.

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Monday, July 28, 2008 @7:42 PM

I am not emo.

There's been a lot of random happy moments, moments that make me smile and laugh and moments that are what school is really about. Moments that fill me with a strange emotion - that we might never do this again.

Moments like having Isaac acting as the Joker and threatening to carve out my lips into a smileeeee - let's put a smile on that face and why so serioussss? Me reacting in mock horror and fear and ducking behind Sean and Jason who are moaning about their first aid exam the next day... this is in the canteen in the middle of the day but who cares?

Hari Koko and Explorace and even the ill-fated Treasure Hunt and robot demonstrations and a thousand other things - watching people march! playing the guitar! taekwondo demonstrations! - all of which I promise myself I will blog about before I forget them all...

But in the spirit of being happy, let me tell you what my latest obsession is. Guitar lessons from Youtube. Wow there are so many talented people out there! And a whole lot of songs I want to learn! So I have... haha let me count... 13 tabs open at the same time, with a variety of songs I want to learn to play. Some might not work out, since I choose the easy ones first, but it's a whole lot of possibilities and fun. Yay!

I like this guitar. It's so very far off from the electone which was a torture and a burden all these years. Playing songs I could care less about and preparing for yet another grading test - I never enjoyed it - I didn't know you could enjoy a music instrument in that way. But yeah. I like this guitar.

Smile, people. Best medicine.

=D

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@7:27 PM

I never used to cry over things I see, things I watch, or things I read; now I just seem to tear up all the time. Anything that drives home the possibilty of losing people I love.

I literally cannot live without my father. Look, just thinking about it makes me cry.

He is the man I admire most in the world, respect most in the world - love most in the world. He will always want the best for me, always be there for me, always give me anything I desire. I think about everything he has acheived in his lifetime, and I wonder if I will ever make it that far.

I would not have the strength to survive without you, Pa. Yet I never seem to be able to say I Love You - it just doesn't fall out of my mouth as easily as it slips out of others. I hope you know that I do love you, and that I always will. Forgive me for the wrongs I have commited, forgive me for ever hurting you - I pray that you will not leave me until I have the courage to stand on my own two feet.

I love you. Thank you, for everything.

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@12:40 AM

Dear Me,

Don't do this to yourself. Please.

Love
Me

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Thursday, July 24, 2008 @11:36 PM

here's a thought: the future doesn't exist.

it doesn't! it's an abstract concept of possibilities, of what we think might happen - but nothing, nothing of the future is real.

the past has happened. the present is happening. but the future is an infinite number of paths which could lead to the same conclusion, or could lead to different worlds. it's enough to make your head spin - the sheer number of choices that we have to make that all lead to another now.

so what does this all imply? it raises the question of why we have this concept of the future. we humans plan and anticipate and dread and worry about events that could happen - but it's all in our heads - in flashes and images of you, me and everything else.

what if we decided that we shouldn't let the future dictate our present? we'd have a lot less hate, but also a lot less of hope. and nothing of significance.

***

this is perspective.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008 @11:40 PM

To everyone who wanted to know why ju vern was not happy: it was a really crappy day. Now it is almost midnight, and I have covered enough distance to not feel like crying everytime I am expected to reply and explain and discuss.

Thank you for the hugs and the cheer-ups and the jangan sedihs, guys, and birthday boy - I am very sorry if I had you worried there. Here's a secret: I was rather upset when I sent out that birthday message, regardless of whatever that smiley represents. Here's something you won't know till tomorrow: I baked brownies (for you!), which was a welcome distraction from doom and gloom.

I honestly haven't felt so torn up over real life in a long while. I think it was the holding back for half the day; the need to put on a brave face and say 'I can handle this'. I can. It's all about perspective. But it doesn't stop it from hurting, does it?

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Monday, July 21, 2008 @10:20 PM

I feel like I'm about to explode. Or implode. Whichever would hurt less.

I'm thinking about a song tonight. It's not one I would typically like - it's too loud, too crashbangboom - but I loved it anyway. I still do. It's called No More Sorrow.

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Sunday, July 20, 2008 @11:22 PM

These are the police cadets. Finally finally winners of the marching competition.

I don't quite know what to say. They were brilliant but I am biased.

You can see my brother in the photo if you squint at the little white face in the middle of the photo, squashed between two other faces. (Thank all the gods and goddesses they won. I don't know what he would have done if they hadn't - collapse into a pit of despair or something. Withdraw further into a dark realm of pessimism. This is the team whose chant is 'Who are the losers? WE ARE THE LOSERS!)

I knew the kadet polis were going to win. What I didn't know was how to react. There are so many people I care about involved in this; the tearing heartache and the pure delirium the JOY right there, right next to each other - it breaks my heart. What words are there to say?

Moving on. I had a flash when I was watching Jason commanding the St. John's. This marching squad is like the robot! You can yell at it and train it and program it and fine-tune it until 3 in the morning but it does what it wants to when it wants to. You can command it to turn right or left or even U-turn but on the day, all you can do is to let it go - and hope for the ten seconds or fifteen minutes of good luck you need. You can experience the crushing pain of defeat - or the exhilaration of success. You have no control. You just let go. And pray.

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@1:08 AM


this
i
promise
you

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Friday, July 18, 2008 @8:19 PM

I watched the Dark Knight!

It was glorious.



The poster says 'Welcome to a world without rules' and Gotham City was made that way by one person: the Joker. He was insane, loves anarchy, and utterly, scarily but completely brilliant. His schemes! They are means without end - chaos without purpose but - wow.

The pure irony of Harvey Dent. The White Knight to juxtapose Batman, the Dark Knight. Who is the hero? Who will cross that line and break that one rule - who will turn away at the last moment, at risk to himself? It's a parallel to the ferry incident, the guilty vs. the innocent and whether fear will take control. Pure anarchy. (To the guy in the orange suit who threw it out of the window without a hint of hesitation - thank you for making me believe in the world again.)

Batman. Bruce Wayne. Yay to stealing the entire Russian ballet and putting them onto a yatch. Yay to swooping off a very tall building. Yay to disappearing while people aren't done talking - I want to know how you do it. Yay to your Lamborghini I WANT ONE. Yay to the interrogation room scene. And yay to swerving away.

I loved Dark Knight for its realism, complexity, morality and its questions. If those aren't what you're looking for, watch it for its action sequences, the multitude of things blowing up, very sharp knives, a magic trick invoving a pencil and the Joker, Two-Face's faces, the cars and the clown masks. You won't regret it (unless, of course, you're looking for sunshine and rainbows).

in memory of heath ledger

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@8:15 PM

sometimes (in a moment of clarity) everything seems so. simple.

other times
it's the hardest in the world.

why can't we all just do
the
right thing?

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008 @7:01 PM

haih. negara ini memang tidak boleh dipuji.

I am grateful for the many, many things my country has provided me with, including safety, peace and a happy little bubble from the cruelty of the outside world.

tapi sekarang ini saya kecewa sangat.

one step forward, ten years back.

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@12:24 AM

I am proud of Malaysia tonight.

Proud of a democracy willing and able to debate a national issue.

Proud of an Information Minister who speaks well and knows what he is talking about.

Proud of an Opposition Leader who defends his promised policy and will not raise to challenges on personal character.

Proud of both, who were confident, articulate and respectful.

Proud of Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim who ended the debate with a handshake and a smile.

Proud of Datuk Ahmad Shabery Cheek who deemed it his responsibility to represent the government and accept the debate.


Thank you. (For openness, for hope. For democracy. For us.)

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Monday, July 14, 2008 @7:55 PM

Here's what I think: one of the most meaningful gifts you can give a friend is a card full of signatures.

It's so simple - you buy a card and you hand it around. Since most people will sign anything they can get their hands on (it's a power struggle thing) you are practically guaranteed interesting, random, completely hilarious signatures and messages.

It's great fun to watch a card evolve from a blank page to doodles and scribbles and print. And it's a gem for the receiver to sift through and to keep - look back at it and you can say 'I was singing a crazy song at the time and someone made the camel sing it too' or 'we were on the verge of winning a marching competition' or 'I have very random friends.' (Declarations of eternal love? I mean, seriously?)

One day we will look back and laugh.

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Sunday, July 13, 2008 @5:57 PM

I have mended my broken heart. =)

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Friday, July 11, 2008 @11:34 PM

I wrote this on the 8th of May, 2008.

2 months on, much is the same. But I am seriously considering giving up the idea of medicine - even if I THINK I still want to do it: learn about how we work, how to heal, how to help. Yes I still very much want to walk this path, but I am on the verge of turning away.

***

I don't know how I feel today. Precision of words would be good for me.

I'm unsettled, I think. Caught between shores and strangely emotional. Lost because I don't know where I'm heading.

Direction. There's a thought.

Argh not happening. I still don't know how to deal with the ... everything.

---

Moving on.

I don't think I can perform under pressure. I mess up, I forget, I look for help - I don't have the confidence to trust my instincts so I look to another person who might not be better than me anyway.

Doctors don't do that. Doctors can't afford to.

I don't know if I can make it and I don't know if I want to risk people's lives on my ability to perform. There are so many occupations which don't decide people's lives right there and then. They're not as vital and not as heart-stopping and somehow they don't make much sense to me. Sure, money is important to me - I cannot live without knowing I will be well provided for, I think - but working for money by itself? I don't like the idea, honestly.

So I was thinking about actuarial science. It's supposed to be about risk management, right? Insurance companies want to know whether it'll be worth it to give people insurance. But the thing is, it's the sick people and the poor people who need treatment and can't afford it. If the risk-calculator says the company will lose money if you give them insurance, then where's the good in that? It hurts people, frankly. It's completely opposite of any ideals people hold to.

The counsellor asked why I want to go into medicine. And right then and there, I had no idea. My brain stopped working.

Now I'm searching for one.

I think. My whole life I've been used to being better, if not the best. It's not (I hope) arrogace, just habit. Now I'm scared - what if I mess this whole thing up? This is not school. This is what you are going to do with your life. This is the rest of your sixty or seventy or eighty years, if you get that far. And there is no blueprint of your life somewhere. We make it up as we go along.

I wish for the passion and the drive people who know what they want have. And thinking about it, not many people have that sureness. Angeline Lee, extraordinary girl - she knows she wants to be a doctor and a lecturer. She may have her doubts but I don't see them. I wish I could commit: this is what I want.

I'm thinking about Jason and Chee Kong. How driven, passionate and competitive they are. They're both in it to win. No doubt about it. I admire them.

Chee Kong told me once that girls have it easy: if he were a girl, he'd just study till pHd level because they're not expected to be the one bringing home the money. Now it sounds sexist. But at it's basest level, it makes sense to me - girls don't have it easy, this I am quite sure of - but girls have so much more to consider. Family, time. Medicine will take forever. Medicine will be all the time. Getting to the highest level and staying there will take everything.

How much am I willing to give up?

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Wednesday, July 9, 2008 @1:22 AM

Responses to the message:


who wants to tell me what guys like for their birthdays?
(this is your chance to leave hints on your future gifts)


yc wanted a girlfriend. failing that, a surprise.

j suggested a shaver, a cap mohor, and a budget girlfriend(for yc).

jw wanted world peace. -.-'

s suggested a cup (because guys drink milo), a wallet, a belt, and a variety of other things.

hc wanted lots of $$, true <3, or both.

kw says guys like women, cash and carssss.

yw .the girl. says the guy wants a kiss.

***

wy says

and i THINK guys like
-'cool stuff' eg. bling, latest gadgets (DvD rewinder?)
-cash ~(: D)
-a girlfriend (who doesn't? XD)
-GaMeZ! (go Crisis (at least i think that's the latest))
-beer (but we're too young, and personally i hate beer O_o)
-chocolates for chocoholics.. : D
-TOYS (like those models.... O_o)

okay, but I'd like
-A free day with nothing but someone you love cuddling by your side (:

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@1:04 AM

No trusting hand awaits a falling star
I am your father, and I am sorry
but this is the way things are.
- Roger McGough

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Saturday, July 5, 2008 @11:35 PM

This is two years worth of time packed into two big brown lego boxes. I can barely believe it.

This is the infamous robot itself with its two lego men lucky charms.

Assistant operator and operator modelling the the 5Sc1 T-shirt.

Operator shouts for help while assistant operator plots revenge.

We might not have achieved much with the extraordinarily expensive toy, but who cares? It's the journey that counts - the time we wasted, the laughs we had, the dramas we witnessed, the emotions - they are the crowning glory and they are what count. Chee Kong and Jason, I can't thank you enough for being there - even if you forced me to join this whole ambitious project in the first place. We still have not received our ten seconds of good luck.

Thank you.

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